Your Kid's Not a Racist & That's Not Good Enough

"In a racist society, it is not enough to be non-racist; we must be ANTIracist." Angela Davis, 1979

Answer this for yourself: What would it mean for your family to be anti-racist? How would non-racist parenting look differently than antiracist parenting?

The goal of non-racist parenting is to simply raise children who are not racist. Seems noble enough. Parents who aim to raise non-racist children socialize them towards the goals of (1) Appreciating racial differences and (2)  Thriving within racial diversity.

Non-racist parenting also attempts to teach children that it is possible to remain neutral about racism while existing in a society built on the ideals of white supremacy. On the other hand antiracist parenting is driven by the notion that racial neutrality is an illusion and therefore, emphasizes action that continuously fights against white supremacy. 

When done mindfully, antiracist racial socialization (which should begin for children of all races from an early age) seeks to go beyond the goals of non-racist parents in order to also teach children to: (3) Recognize racial injustice and (4) Have a sense of social responsibility. So here are a few tips for racially socializing children beyond non-racism and towards antiracism:

RAISING CHILDREN TO APPRECIATE DIFFERENCES... 

ONE BLACK GUY DIDN’T MAKE "SEINFELD" DIVERSE

Children who are as young as 3-years-old can start to recognize racial and ethnic differences. So, making diversity a common-day experience for your child should start as soon as possible if you want your child to naturally feel comfortable with people who are different from them. 

Do an honest assessment of how diverse your kid’s friend group is. While you’re at it, think about if there are any differences among the group in terms of socio-economic status or family structures. If your child has a homogenous group of playmates, chances are you do too. No judgment. Being surrounded by people who we think are similar to us makes us feel safe and validated. And also it’s just easier. But that means expanding the diversity of yours and your child’s social circle will take some intentional action (a key component in antiracism) and moving out of your comfort zone.

Now, I’m in absolutely no way suggesting that you need to fill some type of racial quota when it comes to your friends. I mean, having one token minority at your kid’s next birthday party doesn’t make you any more inclusive than the introduction of Jackie Chiles in season seven of “Seinfeld” stopped Michael Richards from yelling racial slurs from a comedy club stage.

What I am suggesting is this: if you want to give your child the message that diversity is something your family values you will have to model the importance of keeping the boundaries of your social group (and mind) wide open.

TRY THIS. Instead of always going to play at the park closest to your home, try out a different park in the next town over. Instead of signing your kid up for the softball league that practices and plays at the nearby field, find a league that plays kids from all over town. Basically look for opportunities that will allow you and your family to regularly get out of your same old neighborhood or community. Keep an open mind as you start to branch out. Push yourself to initiate conversations with other caregivers who don’t look like your usual group of friends.

SOMETHING TO KEEP IN MIND. Recall the 1954 Brown vs. the Board of Education decision and subsequent school integration I referenced in Part 1? Now remember all those pictures in your American history books of anxious white children being escorted into black schools by the National Guard? Probably not since the process of systemic desegregation at that time was more one-sided than a New England Patriots’ playoff game.

In fact, black and brown folks quite often shoulder the responsibility of coming into white spaces while the white folks in those spaces have the privilege of enjoying increased diversity without having to move too far out of their comfort zones.  So, if you happen to be a parent raising a white child, your Ally membership (which includes a Wakanda Forever t-shirt) will be automatically renewed if, instead of waiting for people of color to come to where you are, you went to them. Just saying.

RAISING CHILDREN TO TRIVE WITHIN DIVERSITY...

KIDS SAY THE RACIST-EST THINGS.

One day as I played side-by-side with a young client, he stopped to gently rub the skin on my hand before saying, “Why is your skin is a different color than mine? Does it come off?” Before I could respond his father fretfully interjected: “Don’t be rude.”

Young children are natural scientists. Making observations and showing curiosity about others demonstrates that they are becoming less egotistical and able to think about others. When we scold children for observing or asking questions about race, it is usually because their words trigger our own anxiety stemming from engrained racial socialization messages we received like “Discussions of race are impolite.” Admonishing innocent curiosity sends the same message to our kids. And you swore you wouldn’t be like your parents.

Teaching children to pretend to “not see color” is antithetical to raising an antiracist child since it’s hard to fight against something you choose to not see. Encourage your child to recognize and to be curious about racial or cultural differences. If they ask you a question about another race, be careful to avoid overgeneralizations and don’t rely on the stereotypes that might be right on the surface of your brain in an effort to simply give them an answer. Instead, work with them to get their curiosity satiated appropriately and remind them that race is only one part of a person’s identity.

TRY THIS. Check out this book called “All the Colors We Are”. If your child notices or asks questions about the differences in people’s skin tones, bring this book out; it explains—in kid-friendly language—the concept of melanin as well as how and why people from different parts of the world have different skin tones.

Also, community cultural events and festivals are perfect opportunities for the whole family to have some fun while learning first-hand about diverse groups of people.  

SOMETHING TO KEEP IN MIND. Especially for white children, it can be easy to make a study of other races and cultures while minimizing the fact that white people have culture too. This denial of whiteness can result in the inaccurate belief that issues related to race are irrelevant to white people. It can also lead to cultural appropriation by people who think that the only way they can have cultural depth is to mimic the cultures of others. So, as much as you encourage your child to be open to learning about the race and culture of others, encourage them to be curious and proud about their own background. 

RAISING CHILDREN TO RECOGNIZE INJUSTICE...

IF THEY CAN UNDERSTAND RIGHT & WRONG, THEY CAN UNDERSTAND RACISM

I often have people ask me “What is the best age to talk to my child about racism?” I usually answer this question with another question (occupational hazard of a therapist): “What age would you start to teach your child about right and wrong?” I’m not saying that you should be talking about the systemic racism engrained in our modern-day immigration politics with your first grader. Apparently, that’s beyond the developmental scope of even the folks holding office in Congress, let alone a 6-year old.

However, you can have the courage to specifically tell your child that despite the fact that your family celebrates differences in skin color and cultural practices, some people (including some grown ups) use these as the impetus to bullying or unkind behavior. EmbraceRace.org is a great website that provides a list of children’s books excellent for introducing the concepts of discrimination to young children in developmentally appropriate ways. I recommend starting there if you have pre-school thru early elementary school aged children.

 The older your child gets the more they will start to receive messages about racism from sources other than you--unless you plan to keep them locked in a closet for most of their lives (the advantages and disadvantages of which will be discussed in a later article). Sources such as social media, peers, and even school textbooks may sometimes provide your children with half-truths, biased opinions, or perspectives that just don’t fit with your family’s values.

Your job, as an antiracist parent, is to help your older child learn how to discern which perspectives about race fit with their own values and develop a sense of self-awareness and empathy. Conversations with your tween, teenager, and young adult about racial injustice should involve discussions about their social position (race, gender, socio-economic status) as well as the discrimination and privileges that may come with that position. Reflect with them on the discrimination and privileges that OTHERS have to contend with as well.  

TRY THIS. Initiate a discussion with your child about a recent current event in which race may have been a contributing factor. Start by asking them what they already know or what they have already heard. Also, ask them to share their own interpretation of the event, including their moral judgments on the issues at hand. As an exercise in empathy, challenge them to consider all perspectives of the situation, including the one that they do not necessarily agree with.

SOEMTHING TO KEEP IN MIND. Although I am a strong advocate for not shielding children from the facts of racial injustice (or really, any type of injustice) I would be remiss if I did not mention that you should steer clear of sending your child messages that “white people commit racism.” Racism is not as simple a matter of white people versus people of color; that’s a lazy and dangerous overgeneralization similar to assertions that “all terrorists are Muslim”. Rather than focus on teaching your children to recognize racist people, focus on teaching them how to discern racist behaviors and systems.

RAISING CHILDREN TO HAVE A SENSE OF SOCIAL RESPONSIBILITY...

A MOTHER GETS KICKED OUT A VACUUM CLEANER STORE

When teaching your children about recognizing racism, don’t forget to teach them to be on the look out for the courageous folks (of all races) who use their voices and gifts to work towards increasing equity. Including you. When you witness or observe something that goes against your family’s values about justice and equity take the opportunity to let your children see you take a stand against it.

When I was in middle school, I was with my mom when she got kicked out of a vacuum cleaner repair shop. Feel free to e-mail me if you want the details of this particular story, but for now just know that the situation involved our family Hoover, a store owner with racially biased business practices, my mom starting a one-woman resistance and a few customers taking their business elsewhere.

Voices of advocacy come in a variety of volumes, tones and timbers, so don’t think that you necessarily have to go so far as to get kicked out of any place in order to protest against something. But, if your children see you respond to racial injustice with inaction and silence, you will be modeling for them that apathy is okay.

Furthermore, teaching children to be aware of racism has the potential to lead to a decreased feeling of self-esteem or increased feelings of helplessness unless it is also paired with lessons about self- advocacy and standing up for others. So not only should you model racial advocacy for your child you should challenge them to think about how they want to contribute to the battle against racial injustice and make social responsibility an expectation.

TRY THIS.  The next time your community has a protest or a rally that is advocating for a social justice issue, take your child. Spend some time before the rally researching the cause and then, if they are old enough, encourage your child to make their own sign that expresses their feelings about the cause. After the protest or rally is over, really celebrate the fact that your kid chose to lend their voice to something they believe in.

BONUS. If you live in or are planning to visit Sacramento anytime soon, the California Museum currently has an interactive exhibit called the UNITY CENTER  all about regular folks participating in civil activism and advocacy.     

SOMETHING TO KEEP IN MIND. All of these tips are just first steps in a lifelong process. Teaching your children to be antiracist can be made even more complicated by factors such as:

o   Not having had any positive racial socialization from your own caregivers,

o   Co-parenting with someone who has different values about race and diversity than you, or

o   Parenting a child who has a different racial background from your own.

Besides having a list of children's books that help introduce the concepts of race and racism EmbraceRace.org also has more articles and videos that give guidance about how to talk to children about race.  Also, don’t be afraid to seek help from a family therapist that is competent in the areas of race and culture if some in-person guidance would be helpful.