Why All Parents Should be Having the Race Talk
About five years ago a lot of parents believed that the most terrifying conversation they were ever going to have with their kids would involve birds and bees and penises and vaginas.
There were also some parents--those raising black and brown children--who knew that trying to explain what flying wildlife has to do with sex was going to be cake compared to the difficult talk about racism that they were going to have with their kids.
But we're raising children in 2018 now. America has collectively become the world's drunk uncle and so the "race talk" should be on all of our radars.
Even if you have never heard of Kenneth Bancroft Clark, you might be familiar with his “Doll Experiments.” If you’re not, don’t worry—the studies are literally older than Mount Rushmore and certainly not anything covered in a typical American history textbook. Here are the Cliff’s Notes:
White and black children were each given two dolls to play with. The dolls were identical except for their skin and hair color: one doll had white skin and yellow hair; the other had brown skin and black hair. The children were then asked which doll they preferred to play with, which doll was nice, and which was bad. The results of this Jim Crow edition of Sophie’s Choice revealed that, regardless of their own race, the children had an overwhelming preference for the doll with the white skin and yellow hair, while rejecting the doll brown-skinned, black-haired doll as bad.
Clark conducted these studies alongside his psychologist wife (#RelationshipGoals) and the results indicated that even young black children are susceptible to beliefs about white superiority and non-white inferiority. The fact that these feelings of self-hatred were strong among black children who attended segregated schools played a major role in the 1954 Brown vs. Board of Education decision, which deemed racial segregation in schools to be unconstitutional.
Besides being a fun fact for Black History Month, Clark’s Doll Experiments provide some insight into how, without mindful intervention, children of any race can pick up on and internalize the beliefs of white supremacy, even from an early age.
“WHITE SUPREMACY does not allude only to the racism of extreme hate groups. WHITE SUPREMACY refers to ideas, often implicit, of white superiority and the subordination of non-white peoples.
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Parents and primary caregivers are usually the main social filters for their children, and they tend to be among the first to teach the young about how they should interpret and engage with society-at-large.
Example: As a child my own mother used to make my little brother repeat the mantra “Girls are as delicate as a flower” anytime he and I argued over the television remote and started going all MMA on each other. Gender socialization.
Just like parents can’t help but engage in the gender socialization process--we all have a gender and we all perform it in plain sight of our kids whether we are aware of it or not-- parents can’t help but engage in the racial socialization process:
The process through which parents educate their children about the structural and psychological implications of race as a stratification status.
Beyond my own experiences with racial socialization from my parents, my discussions with parents of color have shown me that it comes naturally to racially socialize minority children with explicit message about having racial pride, how to cope with racism, and how to get along with white people. These parents often feel that their children will not be able to thrive in society without these messages, and their feelings of urgency are often rooted in personal experiences.
On the other hand, when I have had discussions about racial socialization with white people, I've found that most can’t recall a specific conversation with their parents about race. Those who do remember hearing their parents express opinions on the subject have recollections of implied messages such as “Race is irrelevant to white people” or “Discussions of race are impolite” or “We don’t see color.”
In most cases, these implicit messages have benevolent intent. Avoiding discussions of race keep people out of potentially anxiety-provoking conversations where they may accidentally say something politically incorrect.
But the road to unchecked racial biases is paved with good intentions.
Staying silent on the subject of race is unhelpful if you are trying to raise a child who can actively thrive in a diverse society. The more you clearly communicate values of racial equity and empathy to your child, the less likely they are to be seduced by the implicit messages of white supremacy that, unfortunately, are still so prevalent in our social institutions.
None of us would ever think to just leave it up to a magazine, or social media, or cable news to set the expectations for our kids about something like sex. So why would we remain silent and leave it up to those platforms to educate our kids about race? Mindful racial socialization should come primarily from parents and should begin for children of all races from an early age (generally by 2 or 3 years old) with the primary goals being to raise children who:
1. Appreciate racial differences,
2. Thrive within racial diversity,
3. Recognize racial injustice, and
4. Have a sense of social responsibility.
So along with having to talk to your kids about sex, drugs, social media, and gymnastics doctors, you also need to talk to them about race.
But, what are you supposed to tell them?
Try This: Spend some time thinking about (and talking with any other caregivers who help co-parent your children) what values and beliefs you want your children to have in regards to race and dealing with injustice. Imagine how you would want them to respond if they had been in Clark's Doll Experiments. Specifically think about these questions:
o What implicit messages about race are you giving with your own behavior? Do your actions model those values and beliefs you want your children to exhibit, or do they lack cohesion with those ideals?
o What have you explicitly taught your child about race, and have your words supported those values and beliefs that you hope they adopt?
Next week I will provide some specific suggestions about how I think parents can intentionally pass on values regarding race to their children. But, in the meantime check out EmbraceRace.org to find a list of books that help introduce the concepts of racism AND activism to children. This website also has more articles and videos that give guidance about how to talk to children about race.
Also, don’t be afraid to seek help from a family therapist that is competent in the areas of race and culture if some in-person guidance would be helpful.